Baby Mad…

Dear Baby Mad,

You don’t exist, and perhaps you never will.

You don’t really have a name either, but in my head I call you lots of names.

Lately I’ve really been liking Amelie. Or Noah, if you were a boy.

I’d love to give you a middle name, either Joyce, after my beautiful Nan, or Frederick, after my wonderful Grandad.

I imagine what you’d look like.

I imagine my Dad, who would be your Grandad, holding you, the proudest he’s ever been.

I imagine bathing you and dressing you and snuggling you silly, even when you wake me up at all hours in the night and I think I can’t take much more of your incessant wailing for food (because, let’s face it baby mad, you’re a product of me and your Dad, and our favourite thing is to eat!)

I imagine all of the adventures we’ll have, and that special Mummy time nobody else will get because I’ll be on maternity leave and it’ll just be me and you.

For most of my life, little one, you’ve been my priority, and you only exist in my mind.

I get up and go to work for you.

I bought this house for you.

Everything I’ve done, I’ve done for you.

I have never met you, you don’t exist, but I love you.

I already know that I love you.

Just like I always knew that I’d love your Daddy when I eventually met him.

If it’s even at all possible, I love you even more than your Daddy, because I know you would be a perfect blend of both of us.

It’s very hard at the moment, baby Mad, because it feels like you will never exist and it feels like we will never get to meet you.

It feels as though I will never get to hold you in my arms and tell you, the real you, not the you that exists in my mind, how much your Mummy (and Daddy) love and adore you.

So many times you have saved my life, when you aren’t a life yourself.

How can something feel so real when it doesn’t exist?

I already know I love you.

I already know I’d go to the ends of the earth for you.

So why aren’t you here?

Why do you have to exist only in mind?

Why can’t I grow you and keep you safe until you’re ready to come into our little world?

Why can’t you be asleep in your cot in your bedroom, instead of it being a room full of pointless junk your mummy bought to try to make herself feel better?

Why can’t you distract me from writing this now because you’re giggling or whinging or snoring or crying because you need food or your nappy changing?

Baby Mad I love you, please become a reality

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When there’s no hope left…

I am writing this whilst sitting in my (parked) car in the Trafford Centre car park sobbing my eyes out and wondering when my life went so wrong.

I have completely lost all hope and have no idea when or if I’ll get through this.

Throughout everything that happened last year and the year before I held on to the hope that 2017 was going to be the best year ever. I mean, why wouldn’t it be?! After all, our wedding is in 2017 and that’s supposed to be the happiest most amazing day of your life.

Only the wedding is a week away and I’ve never felt so lost, hopeless and miserable in my entire life.

I didn’t think I could ever feel this low.

I always liked to think I was a good person, but for my karma to be this bad I clearly can’t be a good person.

I’ve always tried my best. Tried my best to be a good friend, daughter, sister, cousin, partner. Tried my best to fight the good fight. Only all that the world throws at me is shit.

I saw something online the other day that said when the world wants to give you a happy life it first makes you strong. Well I call bullshit on that.

and I’m also saying I give up. The world has thrown literally everything it can at me and now I officially surrender.

This year, so far, I’ve had to deal with a HUGE issue that I’m not even allowed to discuss, leaving my job (which, for the most part, I loved and actually gave me a purpose), trying (and failing) to care for my chronically ill fiancé who now, a week before our wedding, is in so much pain he can’t get out of bed, infertility (only been going through that for a year and didn’t realise how much of a failure it makes you feel), getting into an almighty scrape in my beautiful car and gouging the whole left hand side of it, endometriosis and pain returning, being manipulated and fucked over by so many people I’ve lost count…the list goes on…

I made that post last week in the hope that my message to the universe about wanting a simple, happy life would be heard. So much for that…

tell me, what do you do when there’s no hope left?

Hope is being able to see there is light despite all of the darkness…

I’m here.

Just about.

I really really miss writing (well, blogging) so I’m tentatively poking my big toe back into the word press water.

That was a pretty good metaphor… even if I do say so myself! (Typical English teacher! Always has to analyse everything that’s written down!)

I honestly don’t know where to start… and I actually doubt anyone has really been wondering where I’ve been for the past couple of months, as the state of mind I was in when I wrote my last blog post made things very clear.

There’s not a lot I actually can talk (or write) about. It’s a long story that I will probably never be able to tell to anybody asides from the one person in the world who is closest to me (that being, Mr Mad, of course).

Speaking of Mr Mad, we are exactly 29 days away from our wedding!

That time has gone by so so quickly, I can hardly believe that in less than a month I am going to officially become Mrs Mad!!

I wish things were better at the moment.

Not with Mr Mad and I, that, thanks to him being the world’s loveliest, most supportive partner, is the only thing that’s going right in my life currently.

The endometriosis is rearing its head… or, rather, creeping back in and trying to take over my body again.

I honestly wouldn’t wish this illness on anybody.

Well, maybe the person or people who are…. I’d better stop there, for fear of repercussions, you never know who might be digging or lurking for things that don’t even exist…

Anyway, today has consisted of mostly lying on the sofa under a blanket with a hot water bottle.

Now I am in bed, for a change of scenery, propped up with a gazillion pillows,  and a hot water bottle with a half-consumed cuppa resting on it.

Some people may think that’s an awesome way to spend a day… but, for me, it isn’t.

I’m struggling with pain.

It was this time last year that I really really began to struggle with pain, which I later (6 whole months later) found out was severe, stage 3 endometriosis. I know this because an old Facebook status came up on my Timehop yesterday, where I was complaining about deferred pain.

I’m starting to realise that I may never have what I consider to be a ‘normal’ life ever again.

This illness… it’s got me… despite the fact that I constantly try to fight back, it has me in its grips and it will never fully let go…. I will never be fully rid of it.

For the past couple of weeks I have had hope…

I have had hope that things will get better.

I have had hope that all of the darkness in my life (and I say all of, because there is an awful, awful lot of darkness in my life right now) will somehow lift and things will be right again.

Today, mainly because of the endo flare up, I am mostly in agony, feeling incredibly negative and rather tearful.

I know life isn’t fair.

I get that… it’s actually something I’ve only recently started to properly understand and accept.

But what I can’t get on board with at the moment is why, when things are just starting to improve for someone and their life seems to be going okay for once, somebody comes along and tries to destroy that for them…. tell me, what kind of person would do that?

It’s taking all of my effort, currently, to not become a total recluse and never leave the house.

And I actually mean never leave the house… not just what I’ve been doing recently, which is only leaving the house to attend therapy, pain-relief clinic at the doctors and reflexology. Let’s face it, that’s not much of a life as it is, really, is it?

Gosh… I actually planned for this post to be hopeful and full of positivity, as I’m really trying to find the light at the end of the tunnel and the hope in amongst everything that is going on right now… evidently the darkness in my life is too great at the moment.

It’s very lonely being stuck in the house on your own all day everyday.

It gives you an awful lot of time to think.

To think, and to draw conclusions.

Currently, there are two big question marks over two things I need answers to and I need to draw conclusions on, but can’t seem to.

  1. What do I do if I never have the blessing of a child?
  2. What do I do if I can never teach again?

Answers on a postcard….

 

 

just kidding!

 

hope

Moving on and letting go…

For reasons that can’t (or, rather, shouldn’t) be discussed on here, just in case, I have had a lot of thinking time the past few days. Furthermore, I’ve had a lot of time to realise sometimes (most of the time, actually) it’s good to move on and let go.

Elsa-Singing-Let-It-Go

I’m going to go off on a bit of a tangent now (what’s new?!) because while I was downloading that image it sparked an amusing image of me at work… I often wear my hair in a side plait for work as I don’t really have all that much time to get ready in the mornings (I’d sooner choose sleep, then going in early to get my printing and photocopying done before the mad rush!). Several times this year my kids (not my kids, rather, the kids I teach, but all teachers call their classes “my kids”… it’s both a blessing and a curse of the job!!) have mentioned I look like Elsa when I wear my hair like that. It’s cute! I like the idea of being both beautiful and deadly at the same time! I often tell them I am embodying Elsa and that if they ‘cross’ me I will freeze them! (Please note, sarcasm only tends to work with older children/teenagers, year 7s in particular get very frightened when you talk about freezing them!!)

Anyway… yes…

My last blog post was very negative, but I won’t apologise, as I was feeling very negative at the time. I was feeling let down and hurt. I needed somewhere to vent and release my emotions and writing has always always provided that outlet for me. Nobody can take that away from me, especially now I have found my little corner of the internet with people who relate to me and understand me (thank you, lovely people, for sticking with me throughout this horrific, emotionally draining journey!!).

I’ve had time to reflect, because I am not back at work until Thursday (hooray, finally! I can have social interaction again!!).

This evening I went through all of the old backups of my old computers (I have a habit of keeping everything, even if it brings back bad memories) and I deleted every single trace of my crazy ex. Several years have passed since I lived with this moronic demon, and I literally have no reason to keep any ties to him whatsoever. The restraining order has lapsed, granted, but I doubt he will ever attempt to come near me again. For some reason (maybe sentiment, who knows?!) I was keeping hold of photos, little mementos, copies of messages/emails etc. This evening I permanently deleted them all. I need to let go of so many things in my past that have been holding me back, and for no good reason either. I am finally in a place in my life where I can say that most things are good. I need to remind myself of that, too. For a start, I have Mr Mad, and he is absolutely wonderful. Yesterday I also realised that I am incredibly lucky to still have my parents. My parents are wonderful. No matter what, they back me up and support me. After losing both my grandparents at a relatively young age (Grandad at 16 and Nan last year at 23) I have a new found appreciation for my parents, as I realise they will not be around forever (although I really really wish they could be!) Take yesterday, for example, I made the 50 minute drive to my parents’ house (also my childhood home) and I spent the day sitting in the garden with my mum, dad and brother, chatting, reminiscing, helping my brother set up his new iPhone (which was a birthday present from me, because he’s still a student and deserved a) bringing into the 21st century and b) a treat because he’s had a rough few years with his health). I spent so long with them in the garden that I didn’t even realise I was getting sunburnt! But I did realise something… no matter what, I will always always have unconditional love from my family, and that isn’t something to ever take for granted. I have wonderful parents and a wonderful brother. They have always supported me, despite the thousands millions of mistakes I have made, and they are always there when I need love and comfort.

This brings me on to my next ‘epiphany’…

This evening, I sat soaking in the bath (with my horrifically sunburnt shoulders well and truly out of the hot water!) and, for the first time ever, thought “What if teaching isn’t actually for me?” Don’t get me wrong, I love my job… well…. I love the in the classroom bit… making children’s lives better, introducing them to a world of literature and language and showing them everything you can do when you have a proper grasp of the English language, showing them that they can succeed, no matter what background they’re from and no matter what challenges they face in life. However, the British education system is gradually being torn apart and ruined. There are so many politics involved in teaching now, I don’t even know where to begin to explain to my international followers (so I won’t even try!!) It’s also a very very intense job. You have to commit at least 60 hours a week to it. Your work doesn’t stop when you get home – it carries on. I am concerned, majorly concerned, in fact, that when I eventually get my little miracle, I won’t be able to spend enough time with them, and they will grow up so quickly and I will miss out on so much. I don’t want that. I want to be a mummy. I want to be there. I want to witness all of the important moments. I want to pick them up from school and ask them about their day. I want to spend evenings with them and have a proper bedtime routine, bathing them and reading them a bed time story, without constantly having “I hope this doesn’t take long as I have a shit load of marking to do and resources to  prepare for tomorrow” in the back of my mind. I want to be. 

I obviously haven’t made a concrete decision yet, as it was literally an hour ago that I opened my mind to the possibility that I could do something else. I always felt like I was born to teach, but what if that isn’t actually the case? What if I am actually meant to do something else, but I’ve never taken the time to explore other options, as I was so hell bent on becoming an educator?

It’s a lot to think about.

But something I do know for certain…

I am determined to be happy.

I am determined to make the most of whatever precious time I have on this earth.

I am determined to get to the end of my life with few regrets, and I hope those regrets are “I wish I’d done xyz” rather than “I wish I hadn’t done xyz.”

As a teenager, I was a geeky, weird, strange goth girl who nobody liked. As a (relatively) young adult, I am still that geeky, weird, strange goth girl who nobody likes… but, y’know what, I’m actually beginning to be okay with that. I like who I am, I am happy with who I am, and it’s people’s quirks that make them individuals and make them interesting. I will never be a sheep, and I will probably never fit in. But that’s okay.

I have decided, particularly as a middle finger to those who have tried to bring me down, both recently and in my past, that my mantra for life is going to be this…

don't let anyone dull your sparkle

I sparkle in my own way. And I like it. If you don’t like it, that’s your problem.

Another set back…

…and one I can’t talk about because I’m constantly being watched/spied on by people who have no authority to do so.

I do hope they don’t know about this blog, but currently I am believing anything is possible.

I feel awful this evening. Like I have been hit by a tonne of bricks and I will never ever recover.

I am struggling to find the positives in anything right now.

This condition, and this surgery, has literally destroyed my life, in more ways than I ever thought possible.

All my life I’ve been the girl who never quite fit in.

I really thought that as an adult that would change – that I’d finally find people I could connect with and could trust. People who wouldn’t want to destroy my life just because they don’t like me.

Well I was wrong.

The adult world is even more brutal than the child/teenage world.

Is there a term for lower than rock bottom? Because that’s me right now.

I have no strength.

No positivity.

Absolutely nothing to pick me up out of this dark, deep abyss.

All I want to do is give up and give in.

There is no fight left in me and I am broken.

Completely broken…