Just so we’re clear and things aren’t misunderstood, here’s a little bit about me.
I’m a 25 year old trapped in a mind (and body) that is much much older and definitely a lot more mature.
For the best part of ten years, all I’ve wanted is to fall in love, get married, and have a family.
For the past nearly fifteen years, all I’ve wanted to do is teach. Just teach. Inspire young minds and show them that they can be successful and they can make a difference in the world. (Yes, that same world that has fucked me over so many times I’ve lost count.)
I don’t feel my hopes, dreams and ambitions are all that great.
I don’t think it’s such a massive thing to want to be left alone to live the life I so desperately want to live.
Why is it that people always try to destroy this for me?
I don’t want much, nor do I ask for much.
I don’t want to be rich or famous or even massively successful in my field.
I don’t want to be in charge of my own school and take all of the credit for everyone else’s hard work.
I just want to be me.
I want to be ‘Miss’ when I’m at work, and be the best teacher I can possibly be, and I want to be ‘wife’ and ‘mum’ when I’m at home, and, again, be the best wife and mummy I can possibly be.
Is this really too much to ask?
Is this really too much to desire?
The other day Mr Mad said to me he thinks maybe sometimes people try to destroy my happiness (or, as recent events have clearly shown, destroy my life) because they don’t know me that well. Maybe he’s right, but I feel I’ve had to put up a strong, confident front to get through everything that life has thrown at me so far. I don’t want people to see that I’m incredibly sensitive and vulnerable as I’m scared they’ll take advantage of that. Only, it appears that was a stupid tack to take, as people have tried, and are still trying, to destroy my life regardless.
So this is my message, to the universe, in the hope that someday someone will come along and actually understand and realise that I come in peace.
That I don’t want your job.
That I don’t want your family.
I don’t want your happiness or your success or your things.
I don’t want or need anything of yours and I certainly don’t need to destroy you, who you are and what you have.
All I want is to live in my little house at the bottom of the grove with my wonderful husband, my gorgeous cats and (if I’m very very lucky) two beautiful children.
That is literally all I want.
What I need is a decent job to support that, and that’s what I’ve spent the past ten years trying to achieve.
I hated school.
I never managed to fit in and everybody was horrible to me.
I was beaten up several times, I had lighters held to my head on the bus home, I had food thrown at me, I was spat at, called a ridiculous amount of disgusting and horrible names and was constantly told I would amount to nothing.
Throughout all of that, as an awkward, self-conscious teenager, I tried my best to stay strong.
I tried my best to keep my head down and study and come out with the best exam results I possibly could so I could start on the path to forging my own future.
In the middle of my GCSEs my Grandad, my wonderful, amazing, kind-hearted, perfect Grandad got seriously ill.
I still didn’t miss a day of school.
I still went in and I worked and worked and then I went to the hospital.
I sat with my Grandad, while he was in his hospital bed, going over past papers and revising.
A week after I finished my last exam he was gone.
That was it.
He never even got to see me get my GCSE results (which were, as he predicted, fantastic, particularly my A in Maths that I’d struggled to get, and that he’d tutored me for for months upon months).
But I did it.
I still did it.
I stayed strong.
I learnt how to live without one of the most important men in my life.
I carried on.
I went to sixth form.
I studied for my A-Levels.
I applied to, and subsequently was accepted, into my first choice university to study English.
I still carried on.
All because I had my end goal in sight….
This image of a beautiful little family with a man I adored.
Not because I wanted to “be the best”.
Not because I wanted “what she has” or “what he has”.
No, because I just wanted my own little quiet life.
I got a job in the first year of uni so I could afford to save a little money and move out of home for a bit of freedom.
I met the love of my life there – he’s the man I marry in two and a half weeks’ time.
He’s even more than I ever dreamed of and I still count my lucky stars every day that throughout all of the crap that has been thrown at us, we have always managed to get through it together.
Yes, we have had times where we have had ‘breaks’ in our relationship, where neither of us could see another way through other than to be apart.
Yes, on the occasion where we were apart for 6 months we both had relationships with other people.
We’re not perfect, shit happens.
But we’ve never cheated.
We’ve never done anything disgustingly bad to each other, because we both have respect.
Why do so many people lack in that nowadays?
We’ve been back together for 3 years now, and when we get married in February, I know it will be forever.
We’ve gone through losing two babies now (others may think differently and may believe they weren’t ‘real’ babies, but that’s how I feel and I won’t apologise for mourning the loss of our pregnancies).
We’ve gone through losing my amazing Nan, almost two years ago.
He, Mr Mad, has picked me up from rock bottom more times than I can count.
He’s wonderful and what we have is wonderful.
I don’t need what anybody else has because I have something amazing myself.
I also choose not to go on and on about how wonderful I think my husband-to-be is because I don’t want people to think I am bragging.
THAT IS WHY I HARDLY EVER TALK ABOUT MY RELATIONSHIP.
That’s another thing nobody seems to understand.
Just because I am an otherwise chatty person does not mean I am not private.
Nobody apart from my family and very closest friends know half of the shit I have been through, and there’s a reason for that.
Even now, even when I’m writing such a very deep and personal post, there are things I just won’t ever discuss.
I don’t understand how people have got me so wrong.
All I want, and need, in my life is my husband and my family.
So tell me why would anybody be so cruel as to try to ruin that for me?
What is it that I’ve done to deserve such horrible, vindictive, disgusting things being thrown at me?
I’m such a big champion of honesty and the truth, why aren’t other people?
Why do people believe lies even when it goes against everything else they’ve ever felt and known to be true?
Anyway, I’ve digressed.
I just can’t really believe or understand what is happening to my life right now.
This was supposed to be the happiest year of our lives.
We get married in two and a half weeks.
Instead of being excited and looking forward to it, we’re facing so much uncertainty and horrific times, all because of a few individuals.
We should be looking forward to our future.
We should be taking our steps that bit closer to having our longed-for child.
We should be enjoying our new house and be spending quality time together.
So, world, universe, please understand, I’m Mrs-Mad-to-be and I just want a quiet, simple life.
Nothing more, nothing less.