When there’s no hope left…

I am writing this whilst sitting in my (parked) car in the Trafford Centre car park sobbing my eyes out and wondering when my life went so wrong.

I have completely lost all hope and have no idea when or if I’ll get through this.

Throughout everything that happened last year and the year before I held on to the hope that 2017 was going to be the best year ever. I mean, why wouldn’t it be?! After all, our wedding is in 2017 and that’s supposed to be the happiest most amazing day of your life.

Only the wedding is a week away and I’ve never felt so lost, hopeless and miserable in my entire life.

I didn’t think I could ever feel this low.

I always liked to think I was a good person, but for my karma to be this bad I clearly can’t be a good person.

I’ve always tried my best. Tried my best to be a good friend, daughter, sister, cousin, partner. Tried my best to fight the good fight. Only all that the world throws at me is shit.

I saw something online the other day that said when the world wants to give you a happy life it first makes you strong. Well I call bullshit on that.

and I’m also saying I give up. The world has thrown literally everything it can at me and now I officially surrender.

This year, so far, I’ve had to deal with a HUGE issue that I’m not even allowed to discuss, leaving my job (which, for the most part, I loved and actually gave me a purpose), trying (and failing) to care for my chronically ill fiancé who now, a week before our wedding, is in so much pain he can’t get out of bed, infertility (only been going through that for a year and didn’t realise how much of a failure it makes you feel), getting into an almighty scrape in my beautiful car and gouging the whole left hand side of it, endometriosis and pain returning, being manipulated and fucked over by so many people I’ve lost count…the list goes on…

I made that post last week in the hope that my message to the universe about wanting a simple, happy life would be heard. So much for that…

tell me, what do you do when there’s no hope left?

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8 thoughts on “When there’s no hope left…

  1. I hate hearing so much pain and hopelessnessin your voice. I don’t know the right words to say but I have felt the hopelessness and despair and never ending blows before and what gets me through is the realization that life is ups and downs. Sometimes it feels like all down until one day a glimmer of light peaks through. Then another then another. It will happen. It might be really rough until then but just be kind to yourself and know that you are in a deep valley but only one way to go–up. Hugs.

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  2. I’m so sorry you’re having such a tough time. It sounds like you’re having to deal with a lot right now. Have you anyone to talk to? Someone to lean on and support you? Mamajo speaks wise words. Be kind to yourself, I hope that another day will bring a little relief and a light at the end of the tunnel. x

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    • Thank you. I’m fortunate that I’ve got such a supportive family – I just quite often hate putting things on them when I know they’re going through their own stuff too. Being able to write on here is very cathartic and also helps xx

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  3. I am so sorry for all that you are going through. I couldn’t even imagine! I wish I could write the right things to say to make you feel better but would that even work?

    Life hits hard but no matter what it always comes back around at some point with a reward for us. It might be a long time before it does but IT DOES! Ill for sure send positive vibes out to the universe for you!

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  4. I find what helps me is to look for the joy in really small things. If I can find enough little things then it sort of restabilizes me.
    Talking is good. But I know what you mean about burdening people. I often feel like all I have to talk about is my crap and it wears them down. I keep trying to be positive but at some point they ask how things are and that opens up yet another difficult conversation. In my situation the difficulties just keep going on and on. It’s just the way it is. I have generally stopped going to people and talking about it because I feel like I’m so difficult for them to be around. They can’t do anything or say anything that makes it better. And then I see that pained look in their eyes.
    I have found other ways to cope. Nature seems to do me good. Being benevolent to others in need whenever I can makes me feel better about myself and I enjoy the moment of joy it brings to someone else. Writing, though this is often difficult, because I mostly write comedy and when things get really, really bad I can’t actually do that anymore. Taking photos is something that gives me some inner peace, especially nature photos. Walks. Good food.
    I hope that you soon find ways to help you find pleasure in life and to feel your inner strength again.

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