When there’s no hope left…

I am writing this whilst sitting in my (parked) car in the Trafford Centre car park sobbing my eyes out and wondering when my life went so wrong.

I have completely lost all hope and have no idea when or if I’ll get through this.

Throughout everything that happened last year and the year before I held on to the hope that 2017 was going to be the best year ever. I mean, why wouldn’t it be?! After all, our wedding is in 2017 and that’s supposed to be the happiest most amazing day of your life.

Only the wedding is a week away and I’ve never felt so lost, hopeless and miserable in my entire life.

I didn’t think I could ever feel this low.

I always liked to think I was a good person, but for my karma to be this bad I clearly can’t be a good person.

I’ve always tried my best. Tried my best to be a good friend, daughter, sister, cousin, partner. Tried my best to fight the good fight. Only all that the world throws at me is shit.

I saw something online the other day that said when the world wants to give you a happy life it first makes you strong. Well I call bullshit on that.

and I’m also saying I give up. The world has thrown literally everything it can at me and now I officially surrender.

This year, so far, I’ve had to deal with a HUGE issue that I’m not even allowed to discuss, leaving my job (which, for the most part, I loved and actually gave me a purpose), trying (and failing) to care for my chronically ill fiancĂ© who now, a week before our wedding, is in so much pain he can’t get out of bed, infertility (only been going through that for a year and didn’t realise how much of a failure it makes you feel), getting into an almighty scrape in my beautiful car and gouging the whole left hand side of it, endometriosis and pain returning, being manipulated and fucked over by so many people I’ve lost count…the list goes on…

I made that post last week in the hope that my message to the universe about wanting a simple, happy life would be heard. So much for that…

tell me, what do you do when there’s no hope left?