I really really miss writing (well, blogging) so I’m tentatively poking my big toe back into the word press water.
That was a pretty good metaphor… even if I do say so myself! (Typical English teacher! Always has to analyse everything that’s written down!)
I honestly don’t know where to start… and I actually doubt anyone has really been wondering where I’ve been for the past couple of months, as the state of mind I was in when I wrote my last blog post made things very clear.
There’s not a lot I actually can talk (or write) about. It’s a long story that I will probably never be able to tell to anybody asides from the one person in the world who is closest to me (that being, Mr Mad, of course).
Speaking of Mr Mad, we are exactly 29 days away from our wedding!
That time has gone by so so quickly, I can hardly believe that in less than a month I am going to officially become Mrs Mad!!
I wish things were better at the moment.
Not with Mr Mad and I, that, thanks to him being the world’s loveliest, most supportive partner, is the only thing that’s going right in my life currently.
The endometriosis is rearing its head… or, rather, creeping back in and trying to take over my body again.
I honestly wouldn’t wish this illness on anybody.
Well, maybe the person or people who are…. I’d better stop there, for fear of repercussions, you never know who might be digging or lurking for things that don’t even exist…
Anyway, today has consisted of mostly lying on the sofa under a blanket with a hot water bottle.
Now I am in bed, for a change of scenery, propped up with a gazillion pillows, and a hot water bottle with a half-consumed cuppa resting on it.
Some people may think that’s an awesome way to spend a day… but, for me, it isn’t.
I’m struggling with pain.
It was this time last year that I really really began to struggle with pain, which I later (6 whole months later) found out was severe, stage 4 endometriosis. I know this because an old Facebook status came up on my Timehop yesterday, where I was complaining about deferred pain.
I’m starting to realise that I may never have what I consider to be a ‘normal’ life ever again.
This illness… it’s got me… despite the fact that I constantly try to fight back, it has me in its grips and it will never fully let go…. I will never be fully rid of it.
For the past couple of weeks I have had hope…
I have had hope that things will get better.
I have had hope that all of the darkness in my life (and I say all of, because there is an awful, awful lot of darkness in my life right now) will somehow lift and things will be right again.
Today, mainly because of the endo flare up, I am mostly in agony, feeling incredibly negative and rather tearful.
I know life isn’t fair.
I get that… it’s actually something I’ve only recently started to properly understand and accept.
But what I can’t get on board with at the moment is why, when things are just starting to improve for someone and their life seems to be going okay for once, somebody comes along and tries to destroy that for them…. tell me, what kind of person would do that?
It’s taking all of my effort, currently, to not become a total recluse and never leave the house.
And I actually mean never leave the house… not just what I’ve been doing recently, which is only leaving the house to attend therapy, pain-relief clinic at the doctors and reflexology. Let’s face it, that’s not much of a life as it is, really, is it?
Gosh… I actually planned for this post to be hopeful and full of positivity, as I’m really trying to find the light at the end of the tunnel and the hope in amongst everything that is going on right now… evidently the darkness in my life is too great at the moment.
It’s very lonely being stuck in the house on your own all day everyday.
It gives you an awful lot of time to think.
To think, and to draw conclusions.
Currently, there are two big question marks over two things I need answers to and I need to draw conclusions on, but can’t seem to.
- What do I do if I never have the blessing of a child?
- What do I do if I can never teach again?
Answers on a postcard….