How can you be sad over something that never existed?


I don’t know where to begin.

I haven’t posted in a long, long time, as it wasn’t giving me the same cathartic feeling as it once did.

It’s hard.

So fucking hard.

I feel trapped inside my head constantly and am struggling to release any of that stress, tension and pressure.

This week has been one of the shittiest weeks of my life.

My life had been ticking over, I guess you could say, for a number of months.

Back to work, start of new school year, lead up to wedding, hen cruise (which was a bit of a disaster in itself, and seemed to matter at the time but is pale in significance after the events of this week), moved into our dream house etc etc.

Been off anti-depressants for 8 whole weeks now.

No strong painkillers.

Exercising regularly.

Eating well.

Doing. everything. I. am. supposed. to. be. doing.


Period 1 week late.

Cue excitement (stupidly) from me and a rush to take a pregnancy test.

Faint line.

It’s okay… leave a day or two, test again. Don’t get hopes up. Mustn’t get hopes up. Will only be a few weeks pregnant at most. Don’t get excited.





Wednesday rolls around.

Test again.

Faint line is stronger than last time.

Must be a positive.


Excited and crying happy tears.

Tell Mr Mad.

He is his usual sceptical self.

But I know, I mean, I know, I am pregnant. I can tell. Because, you just know, don’t you?

Friday, 3am.

Wake up in the most agony I’ve been in since before my surgery, when my endo was at its worse.

Go to bathroom.

Blood everywhere.

Then I knew….

even if I had been pregnant, I definitely wasn’t anymore.

I lay on my kitchen floor (my gorgeous, so-shiny-you-can-see-your-face-in-it black kitchen floor, in my dream house, our dream house, our family home) for an hour sobbing my heart out.

How could this happen?

How could life be so cruel to me, to us?

How could Mr Mad still be asleep when my entire world is crumbling underneath me?

It’s not his fault. It’s my fault. As per usual everything is my fault.

I stress too much.

I work too much.

I exercise too much.

I ate too many chocolates the other night.

I had a gin and tonic to calm myself down after a particularly stressful day at work.

I’ve taken on too many extra things.

I’m rushing around too much.


Except, is it?

Everybody keeps telling me that if it’s meant to be, it will be. I understand it’s to try to comfort me, but it really doesn’t help.

Never before have I experienced such lack of compassion in a hospital. Being stuck with visibly pregnant women whose partners are cooing over them when you’re in agony and bleeding is the single worse thing in the entire universe.

To know that one day, in about 4-6 months, every other woman in that waiting room would be leaving that hospital with her baby, meanwhile mine, which never really properly existed, is gone forever.

But it wasn’t really a baby, was it? How can it be after a couple of weeks.

Chemical pregnancy they call it, don’t they?

Never would’ve been a baby.

So why does it hurt so much?

Why do I keep replaying that conversation with the doctor over and over again?

“What number pregnancy was this?”


“How many children do you have?”


And I suppose I should be thankful that I’m still here. A little over 24 hours ago I was being rushed to hospital thinking I had an ectopic pregnancy and they were going to remove yet more of my precious reproductive parts.

But why won’t my body work properly?

What have I done that’s so awful to deserve this?

I have no hope left.


All I see is 50 years, if I am that ‘lucky’, in a big empty house.

Endless holidays.

Tonnes of cats.

But still no children.







6 thoughts on “How can you be sad over something that never existed?”

  1. I’m so terribly sorry for your loss (and it IS a loss… don’t let anyone make you feel differently: including yourself). And I’m so sorry they stupidly stuck you in a room full of pregnant women during a miscarriage. From experience I know just how shitty that is. I’ve been where you are right now myself many times, and it hurts in such a deep place that it’s simply indescribable. Hugs to you. xx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m so very sorry for what you’re going through, so sorry for your loss and the pain and fear and grief. Reading this, my heart hurt for you. Please know it’s not your fault, it’s not the exercise or the chocolate or any of those things. There’s no way for this to make sense or be right, and I hope you will take good care of yourself right now. Lots of TLC. Maybe another look at the antidepressants? I went back on to help deal with my infertility grief. Things will get better and I’m hoping that you will ultimately find the family you so desire. Sending hugs your way!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I feel your pain as I am reading this. Praying for you. I have dealt with the tests, the anxiousness. My heart aches for you. Take it easy for awhile, you have suffered a loss. You have done nothing wrong, it is not your fault. It is not a “meant to be will be thing”, either. It is just something that happened. A medical condition. My grandmother lost three children before have five beautiful children in four pregnancies (set of twins, in there). You never know the reasons sometimes… Hugs x


  4. I just found out last week my pregnancy is ectopic. They gave me a shot and I had a follow up this week..

    7 days after finding out I am sitting in a waiting room with a bunch of pregnant woman and I am thinking in my head “why the fuck do they have me sitting in the same room with these woman for me to look at their tummy’s and see that they are progressing and my ends slowly at 8 weeks”

    WOW it felt good to type that because I have not shared that thought with anyone yet! Anyway Thank you for your sharing your story it has and sharing it in the way that you did. It spoke to me deeply even though we have difference experiences in this!


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