…they say don’t answer, don’t they?
Only, it’s not quite that straightforward.
First thing’s first (I’m the realist! Sorry…I’ll continue…) I feel the need to add some sort of warning to this post. That warning being this post is a product of (yet again!) another few difficult days, a couple of bottles of cider and an evening basking in the sun/heat of my garden.
I’d apologise, but I really have nothing to be sorry for!
Today has been the hottest day EVER! Seriously, I reckon Britain has never ever been this hot in my entire 20-something years of existence. So with that in mind, I wanted to enjoy the 32 degree heat by sitting in my crappy little garden and supping a few bottles of my favourite cider. It is by no means the greatest cider in the world, but I associate it with one specific, wonderfully happy memory. Last year… Mr Mad and I… visiting the Thatchers factory in Somerset and subsequently sitting outside (and inside!) the adjoining pub, consuming all kinds of Thatchers cider, on tap, as well as devouring scrumptious food, for hours. This ‘trip’ was rather spontaneous, as we were on our way back from a rather cold, windy and unsuccessful trip to the beach, and happened across the Thatchers factory. Little did we know this little stumble on the scenic route back to our B&B would culminate in approximately 6 hours spent in a gorgeous pub, chatting, laughing and, arguably, doing what we do best; enjoying each other’s company!
Anyway, I digress.
I’m going to start with today…. because it’s less dramatic and I guess, in a way, may build up to the drama (which is what I always always teach my pupils to do).
For some reason this morning I happened to have a ‘craving’ or, maybe an ‘inkling’, rather, to listen to Incubus. Christ knows why, as I haven’t listened to them, or, rather, this specific album, in a very very long time.
The experience was actually less painful than I anticipated it to be, and I ended up listening to the full ‘Light Grenades’ album without too many painful memories at all.
It was actually upon exiting Spotify that I realised something… I noticed the date the album was released and I realised it’s almost been ten years since my life changed forever. That frightened (and still frightens) me immeasurably. It was only then that one specific memory came flooding back… teenage lust, hormones, feelings. I’ve changed so much since that point, yet, sometimes, I still feel like that helpless, clueless, foolish little goth girl deep down inside. I thought I loved him. I really did. It was definitely my first experience of heart break… of losing somebody for reasons beyond your control.
When I look back now, as an (almost!) fully functioning adult, I realise he used me. What 19 year old would be genuinely interested in a (just turned) 15 year old girl who had never had a boyfriend before?!
I’d be horrified if it was my daughter getting herself involved with someone like him.
Yet I did.
I am the only one to blame.
I fell, hard and fast, in that foolish way teenagers always seem to.
Only my ‘mistake’ wasn’t the easiest to scrub out.
I remember it like it was yesterday.
On 9th January 2007 I ‘fell’ pregnant. I hate that term. I also hate the term ‘accident’ and ‘mistake’, because surely if you have unprotected sex you must at least have a tiny idea you will get pregnant?! Only, teenagers don’t really think like that. Hell, I didn’t think like that! And I was supposed to be one of the ‘clever’ ones, the one with her head screwed on, the one ‘most likely to be successful’!
9 weeks later I turned up at the clinic, and the ‘mistake’ was gone just as quickly as it was made, I guess. Only the emotional scars will haunt me forever. Like I said, a ‘mistake’ not so easily scrubbed out.
I often find myself wondering what my life would be like now if I had actually given birth to my child and brought him/her up. I know their dad wouldn’t have been involved – he never even knew I was pregnant, but even if he had known, he wouldn’t have been bothered, he’d moved on to a 14 year old by that point. Fresh meat. Someone knew to manipulate and control until he had gotten what he wanted and moved on to the next ‘victim’. I know he’s married with kids now…. I wonder how he’d feel if his 15 year old daughter (when she eventually reaches that age!) brought home a 19 year old apprentice gas engineer with a penchant for ballet and an obsessively religious family?!!
I’d have a 9 year old… that’s very strange to think about.
I definitely wouldn’t have met Mr Mad.
Then again, I definitely wouldn’t have met the crazy psycho ex either.
Which actually, conveniently, brings me onto my whole “when the past comes knocking” thing…
As per usual, my tale begins with a “I thought I was doing the right thing” claim. Which I did… and I still do, despite the fact it has majorly backfired on me.
So this time last week I received a whatsapp message off some random guy.
He thought I was a girl called Amy as he’d been talking to ‘her’ on a dating site and ‘she’ had given him ‘her’ number.
This appears to be happening a lot at the moment, and I’m 99.9% sure it’s the crazy ex.
However, usually it’s just disgusting guys sending me disgusting pictures and it’s very easy for me to block them.
But this time this guy seemed genuinely nice, and I felt really sorry for him.
I’d also, to coin a phrase, had enough of this shit.
So I did a little ‘catfish’ research and reverse image searched the picture.
I found the girl on Facebook and messaged her, explaining what had happened and basically making her aware of who I thought was taking and using her pictures etc.
She thanked me and subsequently blocked crazy psycho ex… allegedly…
Only she didn’t.
She bullshitted me and then messaged him.
How do I know all of this?
Because I then received a barrage of abusive emails over the course of the next few days. The first email contained a screenshot of my original Facebook message to this girl, and then each one got progressively more abusive and personal after that point. Here are some excerpts…
You must really be deluded if you think that I actually think about you or even have the time or energy to do anything like harass you online. I’ve never made a single account to do any of those things that you continue to do to me and others around me. Nobody believes that this is even happening to you, its like the boy who cried wolf. I’m very happy and I moved on a long time ago when I experienced just how cruel and twisted you could be but I only accepted it because of how sick you really was at the time. You are not the centre of our lives so get over yourself and stop contacting random girls online to tell them that I have this obsession with you and that I am using their details to create fake accounts to harass you. It sounds stupid and you look stupid for suggesting it.
I have always left you alone and changing your number because of me will do nothing as I have never tried to contact you anyway. I have changed my number twice because you have never stopped stalking me and my friends and now you claim I am doing this to you lol! This is all boredom on your behalf (as you’re supposedly house bound after such a trivial operation that my friend also had) and claiming that your handy work is in fact my doing is not fooling anybody. You seriously don’t know how much damage, stress and alarm you’ve caused to those that you have targeted directly or through your other friends helping you. This is very serious but you continue to think this is some game but nobody is impressed. Everybody just wishes that you would just move on from all this and stop putting so much energy into fake FaceBook and Okcupid accounts. How do you find the time to create so many identities and to trawl the Internet for suitable profiles to copy pictures, interests and everything else?? She said that it was you a while back so please stop denying it and just promise to move on and leave me and others alone.
Its become such as running joke with all my girl mates about who will get the next crazy message now but some have taken the constant harassment very seriously and I’ve had to intervene a number of times to stop some of them going after you. You’ve crossed the line a number of times and I have simply advised you not to continue but if you want to take that as a threatening message (as you always choose to do) then don’t go complaining when you’ve pushed those people to their limit and you end up escalating the situation that you’ve created. Nobody can take your relentless barrage of abuse forever and so pack it in. A lot of them have gone to the police and others are threatening to do more and I don’t want this escalating or you getting hurt. I don’t hate you and I don;t want any harm to come to you but girls can be stupid when they are angry and emotional and its hard to calm them all down when they are receiving the type of messages that you have been sending to them. Please help me keep this under control and stop the stalking. I’m so tired of all this drama that is pushed on me and I’m tired of others coming to me telling me about their unpleasant messages and then threatening to sort it themselves if I don’t.
You are so vile. Short story is I have a family and you are jealous. Do you want me to show up and talk to your rapist boyfriend? You better fucking stop harassing my family right now you sad bitch.
I never wanted or needed you. I hate my friend for introducing me to a girl who was some lonely, desperate but good looking dodgy girl. Honestly, please leave us alone. I’m happy and have a girl on the way. You are a nutter. Don’t bring trouble to me door.
You are shallow and you need to stop bullying me and my mates. Anymore and you’ll regret it when the others go for you. Please just stop being a weirdo. No more fake accounts or threats ok.
You know what hurts and angers me the most?
He pretended he was a ‘champion’ for women with fertility problems.
In the short time we were together he convinced me to try for a baby with him. Nothing ever came of it because he had a low sperm count and we weren’t ‘trying’ (if you could call it that) for all that long… a month, tops, before he held a knife to my throat and I, understandably, left, because I couldn’t take his shit anymore.
His ex, so called ‘crazy ex’ (although I’m now beginning to think this is a term he coins for every girl who has ever dumped him) had polycystic ovaries and they apparently had all sorts of issues conceiving during the six years they were together. She allegedly managed to get pregnant once, then was apparently forced into a termination at 19 weeks as their baby had some serious genetic complications. I have no idea if any of this was true or not, and judging by the way he treated me when I didn’t get pregnant after 2 weeks and the barrage of abusive emails I have received recently, it clearly isn’t true.
Infertility is, as we all know, an absolutely horrific issue, not to be taken lightly. I feel so pissed off at people throwing around words like ‘barren’ and calling a serious operation ‘trivial’. I know he’s done that to hurt me, but, really, more people than him have said similar things. It’s disgusting, really.
I guess because I have such a serious moral compass, I get ridiculously angry when others don’t follow suite. I’d never dream of calling somebody barren or belittling things they’ve been through. It’s disgusting. I’d also never dream of making up a pregnancy… which he has clearly done… because, while I don’t know whether he genuinely has a partner or not, I do know he’s been telling people for the best part of a year that his ‘partner’ is in the ‘early stages of pregnancy’… which, as we all know, is impossible. By the way – we always talked about our potential child being called Esme, as we both liked the name, so he’s clearly done that on purpose too.
Anyway, it’s like they say, if the past comes knocking, don’t answer….
Or, alternatively, contact the police and block yet another email address and change yet another phone number.
Stop the world please, I want to get off!!