The Biggest Wobble Yet…

Today I feel awful.

I honestly feel like I can’t go on anymore.

All my positivity has completely vanished out of me and I feel completely broken.

My body isn’t happy – I know this because I know my own body.

I am in agony.

I have tried to get back to normal and, every time, my body tells me “no” “You’re absolutely not ready yet, stop trying to push yourself. Go home, sleep and rest.”

Nobody told me recovery would be the hard part.

I thought I would have my surgery and I would get better.

Alright, I knew there would be a bit of time while my wounds healed.

But then I’d be back to normal – surely?

Well, not even normal, the normal I was before this goddamn illness stole who I was.

That’s the thing with endometriosis, and I’m honestly starting to wonder…

Do you ever go back to the way you were?

Do you ever have a ‘normal’ life again?

Does it ever truly go away?

I know there’s no cure.

But the consultant made it seem like I stood a chance of being okay again.

“There’s a 30% chance it will come back.”

That’s a statistic I thought I could live with.

I foresaw me getting my life back. I saw me being pain free and having a future.

Right now, currently, in this moment, my pain is worse than before I had surgery.

My superficial wounds seem to be healing okay, but my internal ones don’t feel like they’re healing at all.

My hormones are all over the place – worse than ever before.

My pain is worse than it was and I’m still dosed up on cocodamol (which was supposed to be a short term solution, and I’ve now been on it for 3 months).

Today I’ve completed the tiniest of tasks and this has resulted in me drenched in sweat, sitting on my sofa, unable to move, sobbing my eyes out.

This is what I’ve done today:

  • Got up
  • Had a shower
  • Made my breakfast
  • Ate my breakfast
  • Watched Jeremy Kyle, This Morning, Loose Women and Judge Rinder
  • Looked at some school work then realised my brain fog wouldn’t let me do anything productive
  • Nipped out to the garden centre to buy some compost

Surely those don’t constitute strenuous tasks?

And it’s the same each time – I’m no better – there’s no marked improvement.

Since coming out of hospital a week last Friday I have left the house 3 times. One of those times was to be driven 5 minutes around the corner to my in laws house, where I ate lovely home cooked food and sat propped up on their sofa for 3 hours. Again, hardly strenuous tasks.

I’m petrified.

I am due back at work on Monday, and I literally have no idea how I’m going to teach for 5 hours a day when my body is like this.

I feel like I’m letting everyone down.

I’m part of a team and I haven’t been there to contribute for weeks.

I haven’t even been able to help them mark the piles of exam papers they undoubtedly have.

I feel like an awful, awful person. I am literally no use to anyone right now.

Everybody who has had this procedure span things in such a positive light. So much so, I thought I knew what was coming. I didn’t even hesitate signing that consent form. I thought I would be fine. In fact, I thought I would be more than fine, I thought I would be better. Now I’m wishing I’d just carried on dealing with the pain, because at least I was at work. At least I was doing something, instead of just being a huge pointless potato consuming ridiculous amounts of daytime TV and crying on my wonderful fiancé every time he gets home from work.

 

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5 thoughts on “The Biggest Wobble Yet…

  1. It’s not easy. Sorry you’re going through this. Try not to be too hard on yourself. If you need more time off work then get yourself signed off. This stuff is hard. X

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  2. Oh honey, you are really in a hard place. I really do believe it will get better, but I can understand feeling miserable. I can tell you about my experience. I hope it might help. I’ve had one lap surgery for endo. It went well, but it was also difficult. Everyone has different experiences. It took me a couple of weeks before I started working and probably a month before I was back to full time. I also had good pain meds going for a while (maybe they can give you something better for the pain?). It took a LOT of sleeping and resting. Even small walks and short activities were hard. Even though the incisions on the outside are very small, there can be a lot of work done inside that needs to heal. That takes our bodies a lot of time and energy. We can’t see it, but our bodies are working overtime to heal. Another aspect is the emotional side. It’s really hard, especially when dealing with infertility. I’ve read studies that found women dealing with infertility or chronic illnesses had similar stress levels and depression rates as cancer patients. It’s really tough and all the more so because people have a hard time understanding. We’re expected to be positive and fine and bounce right back like we’ve just had a cavity filled. Well, it’s far more than that and it’s ok to struggle. I can tell you’re smart and strong and have a lot of heart. You can do this!! It will take time, but I really think it will get better if you can just keep resting and healing. Sending you tons of support!

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    • Thank you for such kind and reassuring words. It’s so comforting having someone who understands and has been through this as well. I can totally see why stress and depression levels are that high – it’s such a tough illness to live with and I’m still getting my head around a relatively new diagnosis. I’m not a patient person either so I guess I just need to try and give myself time.

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      • I’m terrible about patience (it’s one of my biggest weaknesses) and tend to be too hard on myself. I’m constantly reminding myself to be gentle with myself and to take it easy! Especially in circumstances like this!!

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