“It’s like there’s rock bottom, then 50 feet of crap, then me…”

Pretty much sums up my feelings right now.

I know I said in my last post that I was the lowest I’d ever been in my life; little did I know things could actually feel a hell of a lot worse.

Last week was supposed to be an enjoyable week, but yet again my plans were ruined by chronic pain.

I’d booked a week of posh hotels/apartments and fun trips to enjoy with Mr Mad – but this resulted in us (or rather, the hubster-to-be, because I was in so much pain) driving back from Edinburgh at stupid-o-clock on Thursday night, to get me home to my own bed where I could be in pain in comfort (a bit oxymoronic isn’t it?!)

It’s D-Day tomorrow.

To say I’m not looking forward to it would be an understatement.

Actually, to say I’m dreading it would also be an understatement.

There are so many things I am afraid of. I am normally a very brave and strong person. I’ve had to be – with all of the shit I’ve had to go through so far in my short (but seemingly long) 24 years on this planet. I know I have to have this surgery. I’ve also done all of my research and am prepared as I am probably ever going to be. However, I am still in the very angry mindset of “why me?” “why this?” “why now?”

Today has been crap.

I’ve not been able to turn my mind to anything and it’s very frustrating.

When the doctor signed me off work for the best part of a month I thought, “great, well, I’m in pain, but if I’m sitting about all day at least I can be productive. I can get marking done, I can start my reading for my Masters, I can do school work and help my team out as best I can while I’m sat on my arse.” Everything I have started today I haven’t been able to stick to for more than 20 minutes, let alone finish.

We have had some relatively good news. I shouldn’t spend my entire time complaining and being all doom and gloom. We sought financial advice and discovered we could actually afford to buy a house. Not a tiny house either – a 3 bed semi detached with a driveway and a garage and a lovely garden, in an even lovelier location. We had an offer accepted on it last week. Now to start the lengthy process of the mortgage application and everything else that comes with buying a house! I really hope it all works out, and I really hope I am blogging this time next year well on my way to becoming a mummy.

Of course, none of this matters if I don’t wake up tomorrow. I used to think death would bring a sweet release from pain, upset and anguish, but now I feel completely the opposite. I don’t want to die. I want to live. I have so much I want to do and so much time left to fill with wonderful experiences.

If today just so happens to be my last day on earth, it has been pretty shit so far. For this evening, I think I will watch trashy TV, eat my favourite food (ham and chips, classy!) and walk around in my dream wedding shoes that I managed to purchase at the designer’s sample sale at the weekend. It’s the little things, I suppose, that count.

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