It’s been a while since I last blogged… mainly because I’ve had so many mixed feelings I haven’t really had any ideas of how to put them down (which, let’s face it, is very unusual for me, being an English teacher and all!)
See… a couple of weeks after my diagnosis I was feeling unusually upbeat and positive. I’d spoken to someone I work with who had twins after successful IVF last year and it made me feel like I had hope. When I started at work and met this lady, I’ll admit, I somewhat unashamedly judged her, thinking she had the perfect life; she’s in a good position in her career, is settled, married and has twins… surely she must be perfect as she has everything?! How wrong I was! It just goes to show how judgemental we can be as humans, at times. I feel immensely guilty about the original, extremely presumptive thoughts I had about her, looking from the outside in, before I had even gotten to know her properly. Anyway, I got to chatting to her about my diagnosis, as she has been quite open with me recently about her infertility journey. She talked to me in depth about the process of IVF and how it was completely worth it in the end as she’s got her beautiful twinnies. This made me feel really positive thinking towards the future, as if that was a route we had to go down I think I could mentally cope with it, as well as physically.
However, in the past couple of weeks or so my chronic pain has clouded my feelings and the black cloud of depression seems to have hit me once again. This week I’ve had radiating pain right the way down my left side, and nothing seems to make it go away. Today it came to a head in work, when the pain was so bad I had to leave my classroom to throw up. I was incredibly embarrassed as I never like to show signs of weakness, especially at work. Thankfully my boss is one of the most understanding people I have ever met, and was so wonderfully supportive in letting me leave early to see the doctor and rest up. I am beyond grateful that I have the pleasure of working with such amazing people, as this is such a difficult time for me and I know I couldn’t get through it without the support of my lovely colleagues.
It’s hard, at times like these, to stay positive, and today in particular I have really struggled. I shouted at the doctor, which was probably the wrong thing to do, but I am in so much pain and so frustrated that I am sick of playing by the rules and being calm when I am in constant agony. I am 24 years old. I should not be in this much pain. I should be able to have children without this many issues. I should be able to live my life like a (relatively!) normal person. I know I could be in a worse position, but at the moment I constantly find myself asking “why me?” “why now?” “why this?”
It feels as though everybody I know is getting pregnant and starting their families, and I’m still stuck in this limbo of pain, excitement at missed periods, extreme sadness at negative pregnancy tests then the cycle starts all over again. I wish people would understand why I get upset when they ask me is my sickness due to pregnancy, I wish people would understand how much pain I am in and I wish people would understand how devastating this has all been to a girl/woman who has spent her whole life preparing for, and building herself up for, having a family.
Currently I feel as though I am drowning and there’s no escape.
Today’s tiny ‘win’ was that I finally managed to get my GP to write me a referral letter for a private consultant. I’ve chosen my consultant meticulously and I’m hoping she has some answers for me…