This is the fourth time I’ve tried to write this opening sentence.
I somewhat, unexpectedly, and annoyingly, have writer’s block. I can’t seem to make the words fit on the page how I want them to. I have millions and trillions of words swimming around in my head and can’t seem to construct them into coherent sentences. Which, as I am sure you can appreciate, is fucking frustrating for an English graduate/English teacher.
This is how I currently feel:
For once, despite my inept ability to, I am not over exaggerating.
I guess I’d better back track…
Last Monday (so, this time last week actually, I have just seemingly realised!) I saw the private consultant. She is absolutely fantastic. She lived up to every expectation I had and more. She spent an hour going through every single detail with me. I’ve just realised I’ve started those last three sentences with the word ‘she’ which would earn the pupils I teach a lot of red scribble along the lines of vary your sentence starters for effect.
Anyway, I digress (what’s new?!)
The upshot of it all is, the lovely Dr thinks that, not only do I have PCOS, I also have endometriosis (oh the joys!) and, as a result, I am now booked in for surgery on 9th June. That’s 16 days away. That’s very very scary.
I have never been under general anaesthetic before. I have never had any part of me sliced open before (albeit she’s trying to perform the surgery keyhole in the first instance). I’ve never been completely alone and trusting of someone else to work miracles before (well, I guess not many other people have either!)
I’m frightened. Actually, I’m more than frightened, I am completely shitting myself.
What I do know is I can’t postpone this surgery. I can’t put it off. I can’t wait. I simply can’t. I’m in agony. As every single day passes by my pain gets worse and worse. I am sick of being drugged up on all sorts of prescription painkillers to try to manage through the day. I’m totally fed up of having weird deferred pain right the way up my left hand side and (bizarrely enough) in my left shoulder. I am a crap person right now. I am an even shittier teacher/colleague/friend/daughter/sister/partner. I am, quite simply, not myself, and I hate it.
I feel like my entire life has come to a complete and utter standstill.
I am also questioning everything.
This journey, however long it is going to take, is supposed to lead to us having the family we (or I, at least) have so desperately longed for. Yet I can’t help myself from questioning whether we will actually make good parents or not. We are in a lot of debt, and I mean, A LOT. We rent a tiny 2 bedroom house that is a complete and utter shit tip, needs completely gutting and starting afresh. We have no room here. We hardly have any ‘spare’ income, and the money we do have spare goes on fancy meals out, clothes, shoes, holidays… none of it gets saved. We are saving for our wedding, granted, but again, that money is all spoken for. What kind of life is this to bring a child into? Don’t get me wrong, I know our baby would be incredibly loved. All I have ever wanted is to be a mum and bring up a family, but does that really count for anything when you’re not “stable”? I don’t know. I guess I am looking for answers that I simply cannot find, and furthermore, will most likely never find.
Currently I am feeling the lowest I have ever felt in my life. So much so, I am considering going back to the doctors and asking her to put me on a higher dose of Sertraline. I had set myself a goal to be off them by the summer, but that’s pretty much impossible now, given the circumstances I have been hit with yet again. I figure, I must’ve done something really bad in a previous left to have been dealt these cards. Yet I shouldn’t complain, and I know I shouldn’t. I know there are people far worse off than me. I know things are supposed to get better. I know it’s not so much about the cards that are dealt, but about the way you play them. I also know that I can’t take this much longer….