“Life is not a matter of having good cards, but of playing a poor hand well”

This is the fourth time I’ve tried to write this opening sentence.

I somewhat, unexpectedly, and annoyingly, have writer’s block. I can’t seem to make the words fit on the page how I want them to. I have millions and trillions of words swimming around in my head and can’t seem to construct them into coherent sentences. Which, as I am sure you can appreciate, is fucking frustrating for an English graduate/English teacher.

This is how I currently feel:

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For once, despite my inept ability to, I am not over exaggerating.

I guess I’d better back track…

Last Monday (so, this time last week actually, I have just seemingly realised!) I saw the private consultant. She is absolutely fantastic. She lived up to every expectation I had and more. She spent an hour going through every single detail with me. I’ve just realised I’ve started those last three sentences with the word ‘she’ which would earn the pupils I teach a lot of red scribble along the lines of vary your sentence starters for effect.

Anyway, I digress (what’s new?!)

The upshot of it all is, the lovely Dr thinks that, not only do I have PCOS, I also have endometriosis (oh the joys!) and, as a result, I am now booked in for surgery on 9th June. That’s 16 days away. That’s very very scary.

I have never been under general anaesthetic before. I have never had any part of me sliced open before (albeit she’s trying to perform the surgery keyhole in the first instance). I’ve never been completely alone and trusting of someone else to work miracles before (well, I guess not many other people have either!)

I’m frightened. Actually, I’m more than frightened, I am completely shitting myself.

What I do know is I can’t postpone this surgery. I can’t put it off. I can’t wait. I simply can’t. I’m in agony. As every single day passes by my pain gets worse and worse. I am sick of being drugged up on all sorts of prescription painkillers to try to manage through the day. I’m totally fed up of having weird deferred pain right the way up my left hand side and (bizarrely enough) in my left shoulder. I am a crap person right now. I am an even shittier teacher/colleague/friend/daughter/sister/partner. I am, quite simply, not myself, and I hate it.

I feel like my entire life has come to a complete and utter standstill.

I am also questioning everything.

This journey, however long it is going to take, is supposed to lead to us having the family we (or I, at least) have so desperately longed for. Yet I can’t help myself from questioning whether we will actually make good parents or not. We are in a lot of debt, and I mean, A LOT. We rent a tiny 2 bedroom house that is a complete and utter shit tip, needs completely gutting and starting afresh. We have no room here. We hardly have any ‘spare’ income, and the money we do have spare goes on fancy meals out, clothes, shoes, holidays… none of it gets saved. We are saving for our wedding, granted, but again, that money is all spoken for. What kind of life is this to bring a child into? Don’t get me wrong, I know our baby would be incredibly loved. All I have ever wanted is to be a mum and bring up a family, but does that really count for anything when you’re not “stable”? I don’t know. I guess I am looking for answers that I simply cannot find, and furthermore, will most likely never find.

Currently I am feeling the lowest I have ever felt in my life. So much so, I am considering going back to the doctors and asking her to put me on a higher dose of Sertraline. I had set myself a goal to be off them by the summer, but that’s pretty much impossible now, given the circumstances I have been hit with yet again. I figure, I must’ve done something really bad in a previous left to have been dealt these cards. Yet I shouldn’t complain, and I know I shouldn’t. I know there are people far worse off than me. I know things are supposed to get better. I know it’s not so much about the cards that are dealt, but about the way you play them. I also know that I can’t take this much longer….

life-quote blog

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Everyone’s getting pregnant and having babies…I’m just sitting here making ovarian cysts

It’s been a while since I last blogged… mainly because I’ve had so many mixed feelings I haven’t really had any ideas of how to put them down (which, let’s face it, is very unusual for me, being an English teacher and all!)

See… a couple of weeks after my diagnosis I was feeling unusually upbeat and positive. I’d spoken to someone I work with who had twins after successful IVF last year and it made me feel like I had hope. When I started at work and met this lady, I’ll admit, I somewhat unashamedly judged her, thinking she had the perfect life; she’s in a good position in her career, is settled, married and has twins… surely she must be perfect as she has everything?! How wrong I was! It just goes to show how judgemental we can be as humans, at times. I feel immensely guilty about the original, extremely presumptive thoughts I had about her, looking from the outside in, before I had even gotten to know her properly. Anyway, I got to chatting to her about my diagnosis, as she has been quite open with me recently about her infertility journey. She talked to me in depth about the process of IVF and how it was completely worth it in the end as she’s got her beautiful twinnies. This made me feel really positive thinking towards the future, as if that was a route we had to go down I think I could mentally cope with it, as well as physically.

However, in the past couple of weeks or so my chronic pain has clouded my feelings and the black cloud of depression seems to have hit me once again. This week I’ve had radiating pain right the way down my left side, and nothing seems to make it go away. Today it came to a head in work, when the pain was so bad I had to leave my classroom to throw up. I was incredibly embarrassed as I never like to show signs of weakness, especially at work. Thankfully my boss is one of the most understanding people I have ever met, and was so wonderfully supportive in letting me leave early to see the doctor and rest up. I am beyond grateful that I have the pleasure of working with such amazing people, as this is such a difficult time for me and I know I couldn’t get through it without the support of my lovely colleagues.

It’s hard, at times like these, to stay positive, and today in particular I have really struggled. I shouted at the doctor, which was probably the wrong thing to do, but I am in so much pain and so frustrated that I am sick of playing by the rules and being calm when I am in constant agony. I am 24 years old. I should not be in this much pain. I should be able to have children without this many issues. I should be able to live my life like a (relatively!) normal person. I know I could be in a worse position, but at the moment I constantly find myself asking “why me?” “why now?” “why this?”

It feels as though everybody I know is getting pregnant and starting their families, and I’m still stuck in this limbo of pain, excitement at missed periods, extreme sadness at negative pregnancy tests then the cycle starts all over again. I wish people would understand why I get upset when they ask me is my sickness due to pregnancy, I wish people would understand how much pain I am in and I wish people would understand how devastating this has all been to a girl/woman who has spent her whole life preparing for, and building herself up for, having a family.

Currently I feel as though I am drowning and there’s no escape.

Today’s tiny ‘win’ was that I finally managed to get my GP to write me a referral letter for a private consultant. I’ve chosen my consultant meticulously and I’m hoping she has some answers for me…

 

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